I pulled into the first store I came across went inside and as fast as I could, I did my best to calmly pick out a box. There was not much to choose from so I settled on a box of ribbed condoms, knowing I was gonna need all the help I could get. After making my purchase I got back into my vehicle and headed back to my camp praying there would not be any police officers on the road trying to pull people over for going to fast. Not only would I have gotten a ticket for going to fast, but I probably would have gotten a ticket for being a 26 year old virgin as well.
FINALLY... I made it back to camp. This was it... all those years of being the fat guy that never even got a second glance from a pretty girl were officially going to be a thing of the past. I may not take her on the ride of her life, but god dammit I was about to get laid for the first time in my life, I'm fucking ready. I went back inside and saw her laying on the same bed we had been laying in together 15 minutes ago, only this time there was something different. This time she no longer had on any of her clothes. I mean granted that's usually the idea, the only people that have sex while wearing their clothes are people in PG-13 movies or TV Shows with a TV14 rating. But I was the only one in the room that still had their clothes on. Now all of the sudden I had to take them all of, throw on a rubber and just dive in like a fucking porn star? If she had somehow forgotten I was a virgin within the last 15 minutes, she was about to get a very cruel reminder.
EVERYONE remembers the first time they have sex. Your heart is pounding like a jackhammer, your touching and feeling new and interesting things and ideally you try to take it slow. Its something you've never done before and you need to feel it out a little bit before you have an idea of how to "do this" or "do that". SO naturally, you were not very good at it. Which is expected, no one is. I was no exception... I obviously knew what everything was and were it all went and for the most part I fared alright. The only problem was it wasn't very long before this girl wanted to do a whole bunch of shit that I had no experience or business doing. After only a few minutes the training wheels were coming off. One thing I will say I'm proud of is I was able to hang in there longer than most first timers, but that did not make me "perform" any better. At one point right in the middle of everything she said "Ohhh you got ribbed!"
Of course not to much time had passed before it came to an end. I remember the two of us laying there with the lights out, a fire glowing in the wood stove and kick ass tunes playing in the back round. I had spent 2 years killing myself at the gym to arrive at that very moment. It was almost surreal. As a big guy I had convinced myself getting laid was never going to happen, now that guy was barely a memory and it had only been a few minutes. However, all good things must come to an end and even though the fire had died out and the music had stopped it did not officially end until after we had laid there peacefully as the loons lulled us to sleep.
There is a saying you never forget about the first person you had sex with. While the two of us eventually grew apart, I will never forget that moment for all the right reasons. It was my moment in time where life shifted and possibilities opened up. I kept up with the weight loss and a few months after that night I made the decision to move out to Chicago. I'd be lying to you if I said it wasn't kind of a drag when things ended after starting so well, but everything happens for a reason. Her place was in Maine where she could raise her kid, while my place was in a big city going after my dream as a stand up comic. Its been a domino effect of positive changes leading into big changes since day one at the gym. While I'm sure there are still some ups and downs ahead of me, I know now that my life is not going to go to waste, which is not something I could have said 100lbs ago when I was The Last Man to Get Laid.
The End
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