Cats are not as stupid as a lot of people think. While they may be dumb enough to mess with a skunk and play chicken in the road with passing cars, they are smart enough to know when to look cute and how to melt your heart. Especially when it's a desperate kitten fighting for survival. Not only did he have the benefit of being a kitten that was cuter than anything you had ever seen before, but he was hamming it up big time. He was constantly rubbing up against our legs and when I bent over to pet him he jumped up in my lap as if to say "YOU'RE ALL I FUCKING HAVE!" I can still hear my Dad's words to this day..
"I just don't know what to do... I don't know what to do with this Cat.." The little guy had clearly made an impression on him. Even if my Dad had no intentions of keeping him, he was not going to leave him on the side of the road.
If we had hearts of stone and wanted to leave him behind we would not have been able to. While we had been walking around the area trying to figure out what to do, we were noticing that where ever we went, he was right on our heals not letting us out of his sight. So without even picking him up we started the walk home wondering if he would follow. It was as if he was a well trained show dog. When we sped up, he would speed up, if we slowed down, he would slow down, if we stopped he would stop. No matter how many people we passed on the street the kitten stayed with us. People passing by or observing from their yards could not believe it, each one of them disappointing my Dad even more when they told them they had no idea where the kitten had come from.
My younger Brother and Mom along with our other cat Cassie were all surprised to see a kitten at our heals when we walked up the driveway to our house. My Brother and Mom reacted with the same enthusiasm that I had. The kitten saw this as a chance to improve his chances of staying and doubled his outpouring of affection and love. It was then my Dad realized he was out numbered. Even though Cassie shared his disapproval, it was still two against one. It would be worse for Cassie, because now she had to play Mom to some snot nosed punk kitten that she did not even want.
The kitten was not ours yet though. My mom had talked my Dad out of dropping him off at the Animal Shelter with the 50 other cats that had yet to find homes. However, my Dad still wanted to make sure the kitten did not have an owner that was looking for him and took out an add in the lost and found section of the paper. The add would run for 3 days, if no one claimed him within those three days the kitten would be ours. Until then, he was to stay outside on the front porch and not come in the house. For the kitten it was definitely a better situation then the side of the road. He had a little food dish some water and a new friend to keep him company as he and I would both spend the next 3 days hanging out on the porch getting to know each other, praying that no one would call.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
The Best Friend who Followed me Home.
Chapter 1 - A Sunday Morning Surprise.
It was August of 1995. Summer in Maine was beginning to wind down. Unlike the coastal towns of Bar Harbor, Damariscotta and Old Orchard Beach, Waterville is the epitome of small town America. It houses a population of about 16,000 people that does their best to quietly go about their business and take it one day at a time. Aside from The Taste of Greater Waterville and a few Parades, summers were pretty low key. In a few short weeks, I would be starting school again. 6th Grade, JR. High School. Their would be homework on the weekends and for the first time in my life I would be old enough to recognize a smoking hot teacher when I saw one.
It was a Sunday morning and church was just getting out. My least favorite place in the world as an 11 year old. Specially during the summer. Normally summer time in our family meant a break from Church, but on this particular day I had to serve as an Acolyte or (Alter boy), meaning I had to actually participate in the service. It was a responsibility that came maybe two times a summer. I still had not been happy about it. What made it even worse was that my Mom and younger Brother decided to stay home. I was rolling out of bed at 8am while my Brother was rolling over to go back to sleep. Lucky prick.
I was not alone though. My Dad also had church duties to attend to. Otherwise he probably would have stayed home as well. Earlier in the morning I thought this would mean that I did not have to walk to and from, but my Dad decided it was a nice morning and we were going to walk. Our house was not very far away but it still pissed me off. Church was over and now I have to fucking walk home.
We had not been walking for very long when I starting hearing a high pitched sound coming from across the street. It was a sound that I had not heard earlier that morning. It instantly grabbed my attention. I looked over in the direction of the sound and could not see anything among'st the tall grass. It did not stop and got progressively louder which finally sparked my Dad's curiosity causing him to look in the same direction.
"What do ya think it is?" I asked. My Dad, who seemed genuinely curious responded
"I dunno... wanna go check it out?" Like me, my Dad needed to hear what could be making such a loud high pitched squeal that was overpowering several passing cars. We both jogged across the street anxious to see what it was. Once across we both stopped at the edge of the tall grass and looked around. At this point the sound had stopped. Had we scared it off? It was then that we heard a small rustle in the bushes. Thankfully trotting in our direction was a little gray kitten just old enough to be away from his mother.
By now we had figured it out. Within the last hour someone with zero decency had dumped a kitten on the side of the road and took off. Those loud squeals we had been hearing were cries for help, and in the little fella's eyes he was looking at it in the form of a very eager 11 that saw the potential of a having a new kitten around the house and a very regretful looking father that all of the sudden looked like he wished he ignored the sound and just kept on walking.
It was August of 1995. Summer in Maine was beginning to wind down. Unlike the coastal towns of Bar Harbor, Damariscotta and Old Orchard Beach, Waterville is the epitome of small town America. It houses a population of about 16,000 people that does their best to quietly go about their business and take it one day at a time. Aside from The Taste of Greater Waterville and a few Parades, summers were pretty low key. In a few short weeks, I would be starting school again. 6th Grade, JR. High School. Their would be homework on the weekends and for the first time in my life I would be old enough to recognize a smoking hot teacher when I saw one.
It was a Sunday morning and church was just getting out. My least favorite place in the world as an 11 year old. Specially during the summer. Normally summer time in our family meant a break from Church, but on this particular day I had to serve as an Acolyte or (Alter boy), meaning I had to actually participate in the service. It was a responsibility that came maybe two times a summer. I still had not been happy about it. What made it even worse was that my Mom and younger Brother decided to stay home. I was rolling out of bed at 8am while my Brother was rolling over to go back to sleep. Lucky prick.
I was not alone though. My Dad also had church duties to attend to. Otherwise he probably would have stayed home as well. Earlier in the morning I thought this would mean that I did not have to walk to and from, but my Dad decided it was a nice morning and we were going to walk. Our house was not very far away but it still pissed me off. Church was over and now I have to fucking walk home.
We had not been walking for very long when I starting hearing a high pitched sound coming from across the street. It was a sound that I had not heard earlier that morning. It instantly grabbed my attention. I looked over in the direction of the sound and could not see anything among'st the tall grass. It did not stop and got progressively louder which finally sparked my Dad's curiosity causing him to look in the same direction.
"What do ya think it is?" I asked. My Dad, who seemed genuinely curious responded
"I dunno... wanna go check it out?" Like me, my Dad needed to hear what could be making such a loud high pitched squeal that was overpowering several passing cars. We both jogged across the street anxious to see what it was. Once across we both stopped at the edge of the tall grass and looked around. At this point the sound had stopped. Had we scared it off? It was then that we heard a small rustle in the bushes. Thankfully trotting in our direction was a little gray kitten just old enough to be away from his mother.
By now we had figured it out. Within the last hour someone with zero decency had dumped a kitten on the side of the road and took off. Those loud squeals we had been hearing were cries for help, and in the little fella's eyes he was looking at it in the form of a very eager 11 that saw the potential of a having a new kitten around the house and a very regretful looking father that all of the sudden looked like he wished he ignored the sound and just kept on walking.
Friday, November 25, 2011
If there is a God, I hope he or she kicks ass
I've been hearing a lot about this God being for most of my life. Its pretty hard to avoid him...or her, who fucking knows. Its a topic that pisses people off, gives people hope and seems to have a powerful influence whenever there's some election having to do with a couple of dudes wanting to tie the knot. A lot of people seem to have a problem with it and can't mind their own business I guess. Yeah I know it says in the bible that its "not the custom" for two men to lay next to each other. Most of my youth centered around going to Church every Sunday morning, which sucked because it took precious sleeping time out of my weekends. Instead of sleeping in on my last day off before school on Monday morning, I have to fucking get up early on a weekend and go to school on a Sunday morning! Except here they called it Sunday School, where we would learn about stories from the bible. At least this type of school was only an hour and it was way better then watching the actual church service which was nothing but the same fucking prayers and songs every Sunday.
I learned a lot about the Bible in those Sunday School classes. One thing I noticed the most was that a lot of the customs that were common back in those days would be fucking insane by today's standards. You would be put to death if you went into work on a Sunday or talked back to your parents. You also can't collect material possessions or owe people any debts. Holy hell we would be fucked there. People go all day about how The Book of Mormon is to far fetched to be true yet they forget that the Bible is just as insane. According to the Bible, the next women that grabs my balls gets her fucking hand cut off. I'm sorry, I meant "Secrets"
Maybe its high time someone rewrote that shit. We know very little about how the Bible came to be written. For all we know it could have been written by a person similar to those people that spend their life savings on some billboard declaring the end of the world in two weeks. Plus its to long with to many old words. Guys stopped calling their balls "Secrets" years ago. I know if there was some book that I supposedly endorsed that said I can't stand handicap or cripple people I would be a little pissed off. If there is a God and he does endorse it then fuck'em. Heaven would suck if it was run by someone or something like that.
Weather or not there is a God is a question we will all face at some point. I myself am not sure what to believe. I've tripped on psychedelics to many times to not believe in something. Sit shore side of a lake on a hot sunny day with a light breeze coming off the water... even without the added shrooms its enough to twist any open mind into thinking of something bigger than just life and death. In the meantime my advice would be to have fun with the life you've been given. Before you know it you'll be staring that question in the face and hopefully before you do, you can look back on life and be happy with what took place. I just hope that if there is a god, he or she kicks ass.
I learned a lot about the Bible in those Sunday School classes. One thing I noticed the most was that a lot of the customs that were common back in those days would be fucking insane by today's standards. You would be put to death if you went into work on a Sunday or talked back to your parents. You also can't collect material possessions or owe people any debts. Holy hell we would be fucked there. People go all day about how The Book of Mormon is to far fetched to be true yet they forget that the Bible is just as insane. According to the Bible, the next women that grabs my balls gets her fucking hand cut off. I'm sorry, I meant "Secrets"
Maybe its high time someone rewrote that shit. We know very little about how the Bible came to be written. For all we know it could have been written by a person similar to those people that spend their life savings on some billboard declaring the end of the world in two weeks. Plus its to long with to many old words. Guys stopped calling their balls "Secrets" years ago. I know if there was some book that I supposedly endorsed that said I can't stand handicap or cripple people I would be a little pissed off. If there is a God and he does endorse it then fuck'em. Heaven would suck if it was run by someone or something like that.
Weather or not there is a God is a question we will all face at some point. I myself am not sure what to believe. I've tripped on psychedelics to many times to not believe in something. Sit shore side of a lake on a hot sunny day with a light breeze coming off the water... even without the added shrooms its enough to twist any open mind into thinking of something bigger than just life and death. In the meantime my advice would be to have fun with the life you've been given. Before you know it you'll be staring that question in the face and hopefully before you do, you can look back on life and be happy with what took place. I just hope that if there is a god, he or she kicks ass.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Its gone - Part II
I know exactly why you're thinking... You did not bring CONDOMS?! JUST IN CASE?! I know you're thinking that because that's exactly what I was thinking when I was trying put on my pants, shoes and socks back on while at the same time doing my best to not show any sign of panic. Unlike most people who usually lose their virginity to a fellow nervous 16 or 17 year old going through the same fears you're going through, I had the distinct pleasure of losing my virginity with the Mother of a fucking 5 year old! At least that's what I wanted to be doing... instead I have to get into a vehicle, drive out of the woods and into town. Life just had to have one more joke I guess. It certainly was an interesting drive. Its not every day a 26 year old male is on the road to the store so he can buy condoms and lose his virginity. I did my best to stay as calm as possible and not psych myself out.
I pulled into the first store I came across went inside and as fast as I could, I did my best to calmly pick out a box. There was not much to choose from so I settled on a box of ribbed condoms, knowing I was gonna need all the help I could get. After making my purchase I got back into my vehicle and headed back to my camp praying there would not be any police officers on the road trying to pull people over for going to fast. Not only would I have gotten a ticket for going to fast, but I probably would have gotten a ticket for being a 26 year old virgin as well.
FINALLY... I made it back to camp. This was it... all those years of being the fat guy that never even got a second glance from a pretty girl were officially going to be a thing of the past. I may not take her on the ride of her life, but god dammit I was about to get laid for the first time in my life, I'm fucking ready. I went back inside and saw her laying on the same bed we had been laying in together 15 minutes ago, only this time there was something different. This time she no longer had on any of her clothes. I mean granted that's usually the idea, the only people that have sex while wearing their clothes are people in PG-13 movies or TV Shows with a TV14 rating. But I was the only one in the room that still had their clothes on. Now all of the sudden I had to take them all of, throw on a rubber and just dive in like a fucking porn star? If she had somehow forgotten I was a virgin within the last 15 minutes, she was about to get a very cruel reminder.
EVERYONE remembers the first time they have sex. Your heart is pounding like a jackhammer, your touching and feeling new and interesting things and ideally you try to take it slow. Its something you've never done before and you need to feel it out a little bit before you have an idea of how to "do this" or "do that". SO naturally, you were not very good at it. Which is expected, no one is. I was no exception... I obviously knew what everything was and were it all went and for the most part I fared alright. The only problem was it wasn't very long before this girl wanted to do a whole bunch of shit that I had no experience or business doing. After only a few minutes the training wheels were coming off. One thing I will say I'm proud of is I was able to hang in there longer than most first timers, but that did not make me "perform" any better. At one point right in the middle of everything she said "Ohhh you got ribbed!"
Of course not to much time had passed before it came to an end. I remember the two of us laying there with the lights out, a fire glowing in the wood stove and kick ass tunes playing in the back round. I had spent 2 years killing myself at the gym to arrive at that very moment. It was almost surreal. As a big guy I had convinced myself getting laid was never going to happen, now that guy was barely a memory and it had only been a few minutes. However, all good things must come to an end and even though the fire had died out and the music had stopped it did not officially end until after we had laid there peacefully as the loons lulled us to sleep.
There is a saying you never forget about the first person you had sex with. While the two of us eventually grew apart, I will never forget that moment for all the right reasons. It was my moment in time where life shifted and possibilities opened up. I kept up with the weight loss and a few months after that night I made the decision to move out to Chicago. I'd be lying to you if I said it wasn't kind of a drag when things ended after starting so well, but everything happens for a reason. Her place was in Maine where she could raise her kid, while my place was in a big city going after my dream as a stand up comic. Its been a domino effect of positive changes leading into big changes since day one at the gym. While I'm sure there are still some ups and downs ahead of me, I know now that my life is not going to go to waste, which is not something I could have said 100lbs ago when I was The Last Man to Get Laid.
I pulled into the first store I came across went inside and as fast as I could, I did my best to calmly pick out a box. There was not much to choose from so I settled on a box of ribbed condoms, knowing I was gonna need all the help I could get. After making my purchase I got back into my vehicle and headed back to my camp praying there would not be any police officers on the road trying to pull people over for going to fast. Not only would I have gotten a ticket for going to fast, but I probably would have gotten a ticket for being a 26 year old virgin as well.
FINALLY... I made it back to camp. This was it... all those years of being the fat guy that never even got a second glance from a pretty girl were officially going to be a thing of the past. I may not take her on the ride of her life, but god dammit I was about to get laid for the first time in my life, I'm fucking ready. I went back inside and saw her laying on the same bed we had been laying in together 15 minutes ago, only this time there was something different. This time she no longer had on any of her clothes. I mean granted that's usually the idea, the only people that have sex while wearing their clothes are people in PG-13 movies or TV Shows with a TV14 rating. But I was the only one in the room that still had their clothes on. Now all of the sudden I had to take them all of, throw on a rubber and just dive in like a fucking porn star? If she had somehow forgotten I was a virgin within the last 15 minutes, she was about to get a very cruel reminder.
EVERYONE remembers the first time they have sex. Your heart is pounding like a jackhammer, your touching and feeling new and interesting things and ideally you try to take it slow. Its something you've never done before and you need to feel it out a little bit before you have an idea of how to "do this" or "do that". SO naturally, you were not very good at it. Which is expected, no one is. I was no exception... I obviously knew what everything was and were it all went and for the most part I fared alright. The only problem was it wasn't very long before this girl wanted to do a whole bunch of shit that I had no experience or business doing. After only a few minutes the training wheels were coming off. One thing I will say I'm proud of is I was able to hang in there longer than most first timers, but that did not make me "perform" any better. At one point right in the middle of everything she said "Ohhh you got ribbed!"
Of course not to much time had passed before it came to an end. I remember the two of us laying there with the lights out, a fire glowing in the wood stove and kick ass tunes playing in the back round. I had spent 2 years killing myself at the gym to arrive at that very moment. It was almost surreal. As a big guy I had convinced myself getting laid was never going to happen, now that guy was barely a memory and it had only been a few minutes. However, all good things must come to an end and even though the fire had died out and the music had stopped it did not officially end until after we had laid there peacefully as the loons lulled us to sleep.
There is a saying you never forget about the first person you had sex with. While the two of us eventually grew apart, I will never forget that moment for all the right reasons. It was my moment in time where life shifted and possibilities opened up. I kept up with the weight loss and a few months after that night I made the decision to move out to Chicago. I'd be lying to you if I said it wasn't kind of a drag when things ended after starting so well, but everything happens for a reason. Her place was in Maine where she could raise her kid, while my place was in a big city going after my dream as a stand up comic. Its been a domino effect of positive changes leading into big changes since day one at the gym. While I'm sure there are still some ups and downs ahead of me, I know now that my life is not going to go to waste, which is not something I could have said 100lbs ago when I was The Last Man to Get Laid.
The End
Monday, November 21, 2011
Chapter 5. Its gone...
The spring of 2010 was in full bloom. It had been about two years since I had started exercising on a regular basis. I was 70lbs lighter and feeling awesome. Granted I was not exactly cut out of marble.. 245 is still a big dude, but I was a long ways away from 315 and knew I was never going there again. Plus I knew with my new lifestyle, it was just a matter of being consistent. It took a long time to put all the weight on, it was gonna take a long time to take it off.
Its common knowledge that spring time in the animal kingdom means everyone is horny as hell. Winter is finally over, the weather is getting warmer and pretty girls are starting to show a little more skin driving any dude with a functioning penis out of his fucking mind. AKA, we all get fucking twitterpated.
I became reacquainted with a girl (Who will remain nameless because she really does not need any of this shit) who I had met in passing while filming The Kings. During that time she was involved with someone, which in the long run probably worked in my favor because it immediately took the pressure off. She was already with someone, no need to get all clammed up. I only interacted with her for a few days, but during that time I found out a lot of stuff about her, including the fact that she was a Mom.(You'll need to know that for later) During this brief amount of time we became fast friends, I could not get over how easy she was to talk to. If you remember correctly, The Kings was filmed in the summer of 2008.. back when I was far from my prime.
When she was no longer needed on set, she went on her merry way, at that time I assumed it would be the last time I interacted with her on a face to face basis. Fast forward back to 2010... out of nowhere I start hearing from this girl again saying we should get together....Nothing major... lets just hang out.
We were twitterpated as fuck. I had never had a girl crush on me so hard and it kicked ass. A new found confidence was pouring into me. "Wow... a really attractive girl is INTO ME." She even found out I had never had SEX before and DID..NOT..CARE?! If only she had remembered that when we actually HAD sex then who fucking knows where things would have gone.....
Mom...Dad? If you're still reading.... You are two of the bravest people I have ever known.
Saturday May 15th, 2010
The two of us were up at my camp, which happens to be my favorite place in the entire world. Its a small cozy shack that sits on Great Moose Lake in Hartland Maine. Memories of fishing 12 hours in a boat with a 30 rack of beer for lunch, Looking up the lake while sitting on the porch at the greatest sunset you will ever see in your life and falling asleep to the Loons calling out to each other across the lake.
I remember the weather being overcast, but at the same time it was very still. If you stood on the dock and looked over the edge you would see a perfect reflection looking back at you, and even though there was no blue sky or golden sunshine, the forest was right in the thick of waking up from a long winter. Colors were everywhere in the form of tree's budding and flowers blooming. It was almost as if time itself had stood still, the fucking universe stopped just to witness the biggest miracle in the history of Mike Johnson.
We had finished cruising around the lake in a little 12 foot boat. Riding out on the lake for a couple hours and looking at really bad ass stuff had made us hungry. So we did what you're suppose to do while your up at camp which was fire up the grill and crack open some beers. We were planning to spend the night under her condition that "I behave myself" WHICH.. I was fine with. No sense of rushing things, specially when there is a kid involved. Besides, I've waited 26 years... I CAN WAIT A LITTLE LONGER I GUESS......
We chowed down on some burgers, chicken and salad, sipped a couple brews and took some puffs from the god given herb. Of course when you're in that kind of mental state where everything is awesome, you immediately feel the urge to do what you can to make it even more awesome, my option at the time was to grab the closest kick ass girl next to me and start doing Rated R shit. We got to fooling around for a while...she was letting me do a lot of interesting things she had yet to let me do before. After a while she finally said...
"So..."
In my mind I'm thinking..."No way..............." However.. out loud I did my best to keep it cool. "So..?"
"You wanna work on that whole not being a virgin thing?"
My heart jumped up my throat...I could not believe it, the weight is about to be lifted. It was then that I thought to myself "You wanted me to *behave myself* I didn't bring any fucking condoms..." After making her aware of that in a much more polite manner she said. "Oh... well... They sell them at the store.. just a thought"
"And its a fucking damn good one"
To Be Continued.....
Its common knowledge that spring time in the animal kingdom means everyone is horny as hell. Winter is finally over, the weather is getting warmer and pretty girls are starting to show a little more skin driving any dude with a functioning penis out of his fucking mind. AKA, we all get fucking twitterpated.
 |
| Mr. Owl was right... |
When she was no longer needed on set, she went on her merry way, at that time I assumed it would be the last time I interacted with her on a face to face basis. Fast forward back to 2010... out of nowhere I start hearing from this girl again saying we should get together....Nothing major... lets just hang out.
We were twitterpated as fuck. I had never had a girl crush on me so hard and it kicked ass. A new found confidence was pouring into me. "Wow... a really attractive girl is INTO ME." She even found out I had never had SEX before and DID..NOT..CARE?! If only she had remembered that when we actually HAD sex then who fucking knows where things would have gone.....
Mom...Dad? If you're still reading.... You are two of the bravest people I have ever known.
Saturday May 15th, 2010
The two of us were up at my camp, which happens to be my favorite place in the entire world. Its a small cozy shack that sits on Great Moose Lake in Hartland Maine. Memories of fishing 12 hours in a boat with a 30 rack of beer for lunch, Looking up the lake while sitting on the porch at the greatest sunset you will ever see in your life and falling asleep to the Loons calling out to each other across the lake.
 |
| GO TO SLEEP!!!!!!! |
I remember the weather being overcast, but at the same time it was very still. If you stood on the dock and looked over the edge you would see a perfect reflection looking back at you, and even though there was no blue sky or golden sunshine, the forest was right in the thick of waking up from a long winter. Colors were everywhere in the form of tree's budding and flowers blooming. It was almost as if time itself had stood still, the fucking universe stopped just to witness the biggest miracle in the history of Mike Johnson.
We had finished cruising around the lake in a little 12 foot boat. Riding out on the lake for a couple hours and looking at really bad ass stuff had made us hungry. So we did what you're suppose to do while your up at camp which was fire up the grill and crack open some beers. We were planning to spend the night under her condition that "I behave myself" WHICH.. I was fine with. No sense of rushing things, specially when there is a kid involved. Besides, I've waited 26 years... I CAN WAIT A LITTLE LONGER I GUESS......
We chowed down on some burgers, chicken and salad, sipped a couple brews and took some puffs from the god given herb. Of course when you're in that kind of mental state where everything is awesome, you immediately feel the urge to do what you can to make it even more awesome, my option at the time was to grab the closest kick ass girl next to me and start doing Rated R shit. We got to fooling around for a while...she was letting me do a lot of interesting things she had yet to let me do before. After a while she finally said...
"So..."
In my mind I'm thinking..."No way..............." However.. out loud I did my best to keep it cool. "So..?"
"You wanna work on that whole not being a virgin thing?"
My heart jumped up my throat...I could not believe it, the weight is about to be lifted. It was then that I thought to myself "You wanted me to *behave myself* I didn't bring any fucking condoms..." After making her aware of that in a much more polite manner she said. "Oh... well... They sell them at the store.. just a thought"
"And its a fucking damn good one"
To Be Continued.....
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Chapter 4. Changes and Challenges
Most people(women) will agree that the best way to attract the opposite sex is to display confidence in yourself. The average looking dude that walks with a swagger to his step and confidence in his voice will do a better job of attracting a pretty girl vs the soft spoken average dude that walks around with his shoulders hunched and his head down. Something I made a terrible habit of when I was 315lbs. I would seriously look at myself in the mirror and hate myself for letting it get as bad as it did. I got by mostly on the (awesome) company of my friends along with the fact that I was able to channel my frustration on stage as a stand up comic. In a twisted way it was a nice therapy knowing that my short comings were at least making other people happy.
Little by little the changes started happening. While I knew I had a ton of weight to lose, I knew I was on the right track. Mostly because people started to notice the transformation. All of the sudden their portly friend was looking less and less like a big concentrated blob of rejection. Comments like "Looking good bro!" or "Holy shit, Mike are you losing weight?" gave me a new found confidence in myself. It also gave me something to replay in my head for that last kick on the treadmill, or when I needed to lift that last set of really heavy shit. The little changes became big changes and the weight loss was adding up, 20lbs gone became 30lbs, became 40lbs, became 60lbs, became 70lbs... holy shit. I was feeling amazing. I was holding my head higher and there was a new spring in my step.
Life was the best it had been in a long time. Yet, there still lay one more challenge for me to overcome. While several of my closest friends were members of the opposite sex, I had yet to perfect the craft of going up to a pretty girl that I had never met before and start talking to her. I knew they were interested because for the first time since JR High School they were smiling at me and saying "Hi!" The problem was it would always catch me off guard. Being a big dude for as long as I was had imprinted in my brain that I was the exact opposite of what a girl looks for in a guy. I was one of the few people in the world that would fuck up trying to say "Hi" back. I would eventually spit it out.. but there would always be a lot of stumbling to get there. "Uhh...wh... Hey whats up?" "Huhhhh.. ummm Hi!!" Usually by then it was to late. I was making a lot of pretty girls smile.. but when it came to intriguing them beyond introducing themselves I was a fucking mess. WHY CAN'T SOMEONE JUST AVOID THE BULLSHIT AND TELL ME THEY ARE INTERESTED?!!!
Then it happened... It was as if she had been sent from a higher power knowing that I was to much of a chicken shit to sweep a pretty girl off her feet. The girl that would eventually turn me into a Man...
 |
| Laugh it up assholes |
Little by little the changes started happening. While I knew I had a ton of weight to lose, I knew I was on the right track. Mostly because people started to notice the transformation. All of the sudden their portly friend was looking less and less like a big concentrated blob of rejection. Comments like "Looking good bro!" or "Holy shit, Mike are you losing weight?" gave me a new found confidence in myself. It also gave me something to replay in my head for that last kick on the treadmill, or when I needed to lift that last set of really heavy shit. The little changes became big changes and the weight loss was adding up, 20lbs gone became 30lbs, became 40lbs, became 60lbs, became 70lbs... holy shit. I was feeling amazing. I was holding my head higher and there was a new spring in my step.
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| Lookin a little better. |
Then it happened... It was as if she had been sent from a higher power knowing that I was to much of a chicken shit to sweep a pretty girl off her feet. The girl that would eventually turn me into a Man...
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| Someone up there was looking out for me after all... |
Friday, November 18, 2011
Chapter 3. Getting a Gym Membership
Its been a long time between chapters. Let me bring you up to speed.
I was a fat mess of a man that had never known the touch of a woman and decided to do something about it.
All caught up? GREAT
What started it all was the summer of 2008. Some friends and I filmed an independent feature film. It was an experience I will never forget for as long as I live. Every weekend of that summer from May to September was spent doing take after take to get it right. Getting up at 6am to go shoot for 12 hours in the hot sun day after day can get a little grueling.
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| Fuck this... I'm jumping off this fucking boat and swimming to shore. |
As hard as it was, it was a rewarding. There are worst ways to spend your time than with a bunch of your closest friends making something that will live on forever, and in the process, I ended up losing 20lbs. For some reason I decided.. FUCK IT.. might as well keep going.
I decided the best way to build on that momentum and get myself looking like a presentable member of society was to start working out. Nothing major, just three times a week for an hour or so. The biggest mistake I had made in the past was trying to do to much. Setting goals that were a pain in the ass to reach. One year I actually bet my brother 50$ I could lose 50lbs in a year. Pretty reasonable right? The only problem was I was much better at sitting on my ass and doing nothing than I was I getting in shape and saving myself 50$.
This time I would take baby steps. No goals, no stupid fad diets, just get myself feeling physically better. The best thing about a gym is they are made for people of all fitness levels. Sure they have machines for beefcake dudes that walk around like their ribs are broken but they also have machines for big dudes to get on for 30 minutes or so and not destroy all the cartilage in their knees.
The more I went, the more I liked it. 3 days a week became 4 days a week became 5 days a week and the more I exercised, the more I realized I was making healthier choices. Convenience stores that once thrived on my whoopie pie purchases found themselves struggling to pay their bills.
I also began to realize something else... the opposite sex was beginning to take notice.
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