Dear, Maine...Don't fuck this up...

There's an election comin..

"NO SHIT MIKE!"

Well.. if you had given me a chance to finish you would have come to the conc..

"OH MY GOD!!!!! GET TO THE FUCKING POINT!!!"  

Look... I'll let the talking heads do all the blabbering about the Presidential election.  The last thing we need right now is another opinion about two guys that are both cocky pricks.  Lets face it though, you want to rule the country... you need to be cocky.  I just hope whoever gets elected never calls in, and show's up to work on time.  Besides, there is another issue on my mind that I feel is a lot more important.  

"Go on..."  

Alright, well.  A couple years ago my home state of Maine overturned a law that allowed same sex couples to marry.  People actually made a point to take time out of their day to collectively make a decision that had nothing to do with their personal lives what so ever.  But at the end of the day, the Maine people decided that they were not ready for same sex couples to get married.  Even though the state allowed it for a few months and nothing even remotely tragic happened that involved two people who love each other getting married.  

"Well, the Bible says its an abomination for a man to lie with another man! ITS CALLED ADAM AND EVE NOT ADAM AND STEVE!!  ITS AGAINST GODS WILL!!"

There is nothing I can say here that's going to cause thousands of hardcore bible tapping god fearing individuals to change their mind.  Any time you try to throw a single bit of logic at these people they come RIGHT back at you with a quote from the bible that supposedly disputes any point you try to make with them.  My only hope is that some day they are brave enough to venture into a world that took billions of years to evolve and adapt into the life sustaining planet that it is today.  Sure there can be life after death and if there is, I hope its a million times better than what was written down in the bible thousands of years ago by WHO FUCKING KNOWS?  Besides... Adam and Eve got kicked out of the garden of paradise.  Fucking trouble makers.  

"HOW ARE SAME SEX COUPLES SUPPOSE TO HAVE CHILDREN?"

They don't.  But I'm sure the millions of children crowding orphanage's around the world because their parents fucked up can tell you that being born to a couple consisting of one man and one women does not always make a happy family.  Besides, not all straight couples have children.  Some dudes drank to much Mt. Dew during their childhood and have a low sperm count, or there is something up with the Females reproductive organs.. or something... I'm pretty sure it was safe for you to drink Mt. Dew at least.  

"IT WILL RUIN THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE!!"

If you people are so concerned about the Sanctity of Marriage then lets also vote to pass a law not allowing couples to divorce.  Something that I'm sure is "against gods will."  

But get this Maine...at this coming election you have a chance to back track on the hiccup you made a few years ago.  While you're at the polls voting for the next president of the united states, take some extra time to think about the fact that all these people want to do is fucking get married.  You won't have to go to the wedding, or have anything to do with the wedding reception.  In fact, I bet every single same sex marriage that's ever taken place has had ZERO effect on you....  Don't be an asshole..      

My Day on the South Side Part - 3

In case you missed Parts 1 and 2.  Eyes up next time...

Part 1

Part 2

So there I was.  Maybe 10 minutes into the day and I'm coming across a homeless man that fears for my life, and another fellow yelling at me from across the street.  Unlike the man sitting in the ally, this man seemed to be a little more spry.  The first thing I noticed was that he was certainly well fed.  However, he wasn't very intimidating.  He walked with a limp and did not really have any anger in his voice.  It was almost like he was trying to get a Teacher's attention on the school yard playground.  I looked back at the homeless man who once again told me to "Just walk away..."  It was almost as if he was begging me.

I tried to ignore the fellow across the street at first.  I figured if I act like I didn't hear him and just walk away I would be fine.  The fucker did not give up though... "Hey white boy in the suit!!"  Yo!!  YOU A COP OR SUMTHIN?!  YO!  WHITE BOY, I'M TALKING TO YOU!!!"  I finally snapped back at him...

"WHAT?!  WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"  At this point the fellow was lumbering across the street towards me.  By the time he reached my side he started apologizing.

"Look man, I'm sorry for yellin at you... I waz jus'wundrin if you had any change, I'm tryin'd catch a bus."

"Sorry, man.  I actually don't have change"  I really didn't...

"Yu dun' have to give me much, I'll take whut yew ghat"

"I got nothing man.  Really.  No change"

"Don' be holdin out on me white boy"  At this point, I was starting to get frustrated, so I did the only thing I could think of.  I reached into my pocket, took out my wallet, opened it and showed him how empty it was.  It was a move that he did not appreciate one bit.

"MAN WHAT DA FUCK YEW DOIN?!"   He frantically backed away.. "I DIN TOUCH YO DAMN WALLET WHITE BOY!!"

"I'm not trying to frame you guy!  I'm just showing you how fucking broke I am!"

"MAN GET DA FUCK OUTTA HERE!!"  To my relief he finally staggered back across the street.  I looked down at my watch.  It had been 15 minutes since I got off the train.  I decided to press on.

As I continued to walk down the street I noticed there weren't to many Caucasian folks dressed up in a suit and tie that day.  In fact, there were zero.  Usually when you're a "white boy" walking along that section of town in a suit and tie can only mean you are some sort of officer of the law.  It was not something I had thought of until the fellow who needed change for the bus colorfully asked me if I was a cop.  "He was just trying to get me wound up" I thought.  "People out here know what a fucking cop looks like don't they?  Yeah.."  I could not let it bother me.  It was time to sell some shit.

I reached my starting point and went into my first business, a little convenience store selling the basics.  I introduced myself to the dude behind the counter and told him why I was there.  At first he actually seemed kind of interested.  He was around my age so he was easy to talk to.  I started to get excited and thought I was gonna make a sale to the first person I talked to.  That was until another dude (who apparently knew the guy behind the counter) started to come time the store, took one look at me quickly turned around and walked in the other direction.  It was not until the guy behind the counter yelled at him "ITS OK HE AIN'T A COP!" that he decided to come back into the store, at which point the guy I was talking to said to me.  "I'm gonna need you to get out.. you're hurtin my business."  It was a problem I had all day.

Every where I went people were giving me the "Who the fuck are you and what do you want" look. All day  having to explain to scattering customers that I was not a cop was not exactly putting me in good standing with the employees.  And the ones that were interested at first abruptly said "Manager not here!" or "Fuck you!" when I asked them if I could borrow their ID so I could run a credit check on the tablet I was carrying around.

Finally it was getting towards the end of the day.  I hadn't had ANY luck and was trying to decide if I wanted to take a shot at one more business to see if the law of average's were on my side.  As I stood there a little kid was peddling towards me on his bike.  He looked to be around 12 or 13 and was looking right at me the same way the homeless man had looked at me earlier in the day.  Except unlike the look of dread and fear the homeless man had given me, this one was of joy and excitement.  His face was grinning ear to ear.  Once he reached me on his bike he began doing circles around me on the sidewalk, not once taking his eyes off me.  Finally, he spoke..

"Its getting dark!  Its getting dark!!  ITS GETTING DARK!!!" and peddled off.          

I looked down at my watch.  It was only 3:30... it would not be dark for another 2 hours and this kid was already fucking warning me.  There was something really fucked up about a child in that situation telling you that its getting dark.  Its almost like it was his way of telling me that night time on the south side was no place for a white boy, but he would be happy if I stuck around if it meant more entertainment for him.  It was then that finally decided to get the fuck out of there.

Even though the sun would be up for another couple hours my walking pace had picked up.  I was a good mile or so away from the train and was honestly freaking out a little bit about this little fucking kid.  I did not want to push my luck anymore.  Apparently neither did the two officers that pulled up next to me in an SUV Cop Car.  Jesus Christ.. what now?!  The officer in the passenger seat rolled his window down, looked at me like I was a moron and asked,

"What are you doing?"

"Working my territory... I'm an authorized cell phone dealer selling phones to business in the area"

"You're a brave white boy"  Even the fucking cop is calling me white boy

"Oh yeah?"

"We don't even like coming into this area...most of the time its only when we have to. If I were you I would get a new 'territory'"

"Yeah... I think I've had enough.  Was actually trying to get to the train."  The cop that was driving spoke up

"Well hop in, we'll get you there a little quicker"  I accepted the invite.  Mostly because I was tired of walking.....  

On the train ride back to the office I made up my mind that I was going to quit.  I came to the conclusion that there is a difference between being frustrated and wanting to quit at something I was not immediately good at, and being frustrated and wanting to quit because I didn't want to fucking die.  I told my "boss" this to which he replied "This job is not for everyone"  Even though the thought of being unemployed sucked ass, at least I wouldn't be working for someone who clearly did not give a fuck about my well being.

I struggled though a little over a month of being unemployed before I finally got hired at the bookstore.  I jumped on the opportunity simply because I needed a job and couldn't NOT work.  Every day I get into my clunky ford ranger and make the long journey out into the sub-burbs where I do my best to assist helpless yuppies find a book that they don't know the name of or who wrote it.  Some days are better than others, but I'm alive, employed and know for an absolute fact that it could be a whole lot worse.

The End.         

My day on the South Side: Part - 2

IN CASE YOU MISSED PART 1.

I think we can all agree that the national media embellishes the hell out of everything.  Its non stop, in your face and jammed down your throat politics, sports, holidays, and for some FUCKED up reason the Kardashians.  So, as someone who grew up in Waterville Maine, my mental image of Chicago's South Side was what I had seen on the news and on History Channels every other episode of Gangland.  Obviously I was not gonna be in Waterville Maine, but I knew enough about Chicago to know that not ALL area's of the  south side were a fucking "war zone".  I just blindly assumed there was no way my employers would put me in a Dangerous situation.  Looking back on that moment I can say with 100% confidence that my "Street Smarts"   failed to make an appearance.  

I walked out of the office building.  It was crisp fall day and the sun was beaming but it was cool enough that I was not pouring sweat in my suit and tie.  I had never had a job that required me to wear a suit.  Usually all I needed was a nice pair of pants and a shirt that was "provided."  I made my way to the train station with a few other fellow employee's that also relied on public transportation to take them to their territory or "T's" as they so brodudelessly put it.  They were all wondering where I would be heading.  I will never forget the looks of "Holy Fuck", "Son of a Bitch" and "Good fucking luck" that came across their faces when I showed them my T(erritory).

We all piled into the train and headed towards our destinations.  The ride was long.  Not only was I heading to a shady section of town, but the thoughts of a new sales job in a new city with huge income potential were echoing through my head the whole time... I knew it was going to be tough, but I also knew I had to stick with it.  I had to validate moving to Chicago.. NO pressure right?  Finally after about 30 minutes I arrived at my destination.  I got off the train and walked down to street level.  The sun was still burning and it had warmed up.  There wasn't a fucking cloud in the sky and at first glance the area did not look half bad.  "This looks alright.." I thought, and dug out my map to find a good starting point.  After settling on a location I folded up my map, boated up my Tablet and made my way to my first business.  

On this day I would learn just how quickly the city of Chicago can change just by simply crossing a street.  After coming to my first intersection, I crossed the street and took a left to head down to my starting point.  It was not to long after I had made this change in direction when I came across a man sitting on a slab of cardboard in one of the ally's.  At first glance it was clear that he was someone who did not have a place to call home.  His clothes were musty, he did not have any shoes and the few belongings he had were in a worn out trash bag that he clutched to his side.  I also noticed the way he was starting at me, dead in the eyes, looking right into my soul like he was the fucking Southern Oracle from the Never Ending story.  It was enough to make me stop dead in my tracks and look back at him with my best "Can I help you?" expression.  He finally spoke.  

"Ohhhh...White boy.. Be safe White boy...Be safe man.  If I were you I'd turn the fuck around and walk away"  

It was around this time I became a little concerned.  Here was a man who had nothing but a trash bag full of clothes and a piece of cardboard and yet... his biggest concern was my safety.  I did my best to shake it off.  That's the advice he followed and he ended up homeless!  Wait... why is there another guy across the street yelling at me?

To be continued.....        

       

    

My day on the South Side

They say there are two kinds of smarts.  "Book Smart" and "Street Smart"  I could take a while to break down the difference between the two of them, but its been a long day.  I will only say that considering the somewhat lack of book smarts I have dealt with throughout my life, I've managed to get by just fine. Oddly enough I work at a used Bookstore. ( No relation to "Book Smart)  The job itself?  Not to bad.  The people I work with are overall solid dudes and duddets.  The customers can certainly get on your nerves.  If you've ever worked any kind of retail in the past you know how difficult people can be to deal with.  But aside from the occasional over privileged yuppie fuck wad, most people are relatively pleasant, and the ones that aren't pleasant sulk to themselves and won't talk to you which is fine by me.  I would much rather interact with someone like that vs some fucking smart ass, needle dick, angsty teenager.  My dick may not be much bigger, but at least I've seen Slayer three times.

The only drawback is that I drive an hour and twenty minutes to AND from work.  If it were not for the Chicago  traffic it would be more like 45 minutes.  Still, even 45 minutes would be a drag.  I drive a 1998 Ford Ranger pick-up truck.  Quite possibly the worst fucking vehicle you should be using through the bumpy inner streets and the stop and go marathons on the interstate.  The amount I spend on gas in a month is only 100$ cheaper then what I pay for rent. I'm coming up on the 4 month anniversary of my check engine light coming on, not to mention the other little warning lights that like to flicker on and off every now and again.  The main reason I'm not taking it in to get looked at, (aside from the fact that I'm not very "well off") is the first time it came on was when I first started it up in the parking lot of the auto shop that I had JUST thrown 400$ at for a new Alternator.  I just try to tell myself that some sort of amateur fucked up the wiring when it was getting fixed.  Plus... its an old truck. It could just be his way of telling me "WHEN THE FUCK IS THIS GOING TO STOP?!"  Regardless, it still starts up every day and gets from point A to point B.      

People that come in the bookstore are almost always shocked when I tell them I commute from the city.  The can't understand why someone would do all that driving.  I dunno.. I guess in their perfect little fairy tail of a world jobs are still being given away.  But in my peanut butter and jelly sandwich eating world jobs are fucking hard to come by.  This job may not be the most ideal job in the world, but it beats the shit out of what I was doing before that which was being unemployed for almost two months.  Not to mention the few days leading up to the two months of unemployment.  Not only were they some of the most memorable days of my life, but they also make it a hell of a lot easier to handle a simple hour an a half drive through stop and go traffic.  

Its been about a year since those few days.  I had just been offered a sales position with huge income potential.  It sounded great compared to what I had been doing for the past month.  Leading up to that I had been working 25 hours a week at a gym.  The hours sucked and my boss and I never got along.  When I put in my two weeks notice after getting the sales job she told me to "just fucking leave."  I had a feeling I would not be hired back if the new job did not work out, but that certainly sealed it.  The bridge had been burned and in a few days, I was wishing it never happened.

The new job required a week of training before being sent out into the field on our own.  During that week I would sit in an office every morning with the other new employees and learn about what we were going to be selling and to whom.  It turns out we would be doing door to door selling of cell phone plans to local business for their employees.  What this meant is we would walk around the streets in a suit and tie with a tablet going into every business in our "territory" and fucking interrupt them at work to ask them what they used for a cell phone plan and if they wanted to switch.  If at that point they were interested and by some fucking miracle they trusted a complete stranger that just showed up unannounced we would take their credit card and run a credit check with the tablet.  The sales people I shadowed during my week of training made it look easy.  Obviously there were people that had zero interest, but we would always make at least 1 sale a day.  Sometimes that 1 sale was all you needed if you sold them multiple lines.  For every phone line you sold you made commission.  I was obviously nervous about it, but figured it was just a matter of getting out there, doing it and finding my style.

The day finally came when I got my "territory."  In this section of the city I would be responsible for going into every business to try and sell them cell phones.  They handed me a little map with the streets I was suppose to hit.  I looked at the map.  I recognized a few street names.  Chicago being the huge grid that it is has the same streets all over the city.  However...I began to notice that the letter S appeared on the street name.... S as in "South"  Chicago's famed South Side.  When people talk about Chicago they talk about what a great city it is.  The summer's are awesome, the sports are fun and the girls are pretty....just stay away from the south side.   But really though... how bad could it be?

To be continued....

Quit your bitching, this country rules.

It was a little after 2pm.  I had been going to school for almost 12 years and that day was about as mind numbing as it gets.  The first part of the day was pretty normal, next thing I knew the teachers were turning on every T.V in the school and for the rest of the day, we were watching  three of the most recognizable buildings in the world burn to the ground.  What really sucked was that the buildings actually burned down in a pretty short amount of time, but there was the footage all fucking day, the same buildings, the same speculations, the same public reactions being played again and again by the whichever news coverage we were watching.  When school got out I even stopped at a friends house on the way home and kept watching more news coverage... I guess we all wanted to make sure it was really happening.  I was confused, shocked, sad and blown away all at the same time, and now that I had time to myself on the walk home from my friends house, I was starting to get really pissed off because I knew the Godsmack show I had tickets to that night would be cancelled.   

First of all, now that I'm older and have a broader music taste I MIGHT possibly go to a Godsmack concert if they were playing about a 5 minute walk from where ever I was living....and the show was free... plus I've already seen them like three times since then so now it doesn't even matter.  Mike - 1  Terrorist - 0  

Second of all, I feel like an asshole.  Over 2000 human beings lost their lives that day and yet here I am talking about how it effected me and me only.  All I can talk about is where I was when it happened and how pissy I was when I found out the concert was cancelled.  Godsmack is not even that good.  Just boring fucking radio rock.  Whatever though... I was 18 years old and unknowingly knew nothing about a lot of things.  It turns out one of them was "How the hell to react to something like this?"

When you live in America, you live in a country that hardly ever has stuff like that happen to it.  All the violence you usually see on the news is happening in other countries.  Now it was happening in America and it was getting shoved down our throats 24 hours a day by the news, friends, family and even teachers.  Nothing like talking about the biggest disaster in American history with the same assholes that assigned me homework on the weekends.  Who am I to complain though?  Part of being an 18 year old American in those days was being naive to everything that was happening outside of the country.  Stuff like what I was experiencing for the first time in my life was the norm for kids my age in a lot of other countries.  That and I can't even fathom what it was like for anyone who lost a close friend or family member and only in my craziest fucking nightmares could I imagine what it was like to be a passenger on any one of those planes.

Its been exactly 11 years since that day.  I think about how much has gone down in those 11 years  Recessions, everyone being unemployed, fucking Hurricanes taring up all kinds of shit, Oil Spills turning oceans into cesspool's.  Its easy to be pissed off and worried about what the next couple years hold.  I would be lying to you if I said I was not a little bit concerned. Now a days when I think about September 11th 2001 I think about a day that will forever shape the future of our country.  I think about the horror the victims went through and grief and sadness their loved ones felt.  But... I also think about where I was and what I was doing and how far I have come since then.  America may have taken a huge blow that day, but when the sun came up on September 12th 2001 and on, that same America let me experience  High School graduations, the thrill of becoming a stand up comic, doing two movies, losing a shit load of weight and of course starting a new life in Chicago.  Its pretty cool to know I live in a country like that.    

*Dedicated to all those who missed out on a chance to see Godsmack on September 11th 2001*

             

   

Real Athletes play Wiffleball

Since the dawn of time, the competitive edge has dominated whatever life form inhabited the earth.  I've never met anyone that lived around the same time as the Dinosaurs, so I can't speak for them.  But I imagine that a T-Rex would get insanely pissed off whenever anyone tried to mess with whatever animal he or she was eating.  I bet he would also all of the sudden call time out whenever he was playing sandlot football with a bunch of other T-Rex's and the team that he was not on was about to score a touchdown.  No one likes to lose, even if its a friendly game of sandlot football.  Now a days competition is everywhere, politics, religion, education, burping contests and of course, sports.

What sucks about a lot of sports these days is its less about the competition and more about business.  How many times do you hear about some pompous pro athlete signing a "business decision" contract to play for a pro team. Specially in baseball  *COUGH* Albert Pujols and Prince Fielder this year *PUKE* Johnny Damon in 2005.  MLB, NBA, NFL you name it... money is first, winning is secondary.  The NHL kicks ass.  How many times do you hear about some spoiled hockey player holding out for a new contract?  Exactly.  Then again... how many times do you hear about hockey?  Exactly.  Fuck you ESPN.  World wide leader in sports my ass.  The best sports are the ones played in neighborhood driveways, and backyards.  Street Hockey, Sandlot Football, Pickup Basketball and my personal favorite, Wiffleball.

Whether you're playing in a tournament or just messing around with your friends its a sport that can be played by anyone of any age or fitness level.  Both the bat and ball are light enough for a 5 year old that still might be a little weak to handle a wooden bat or a 60 year old that cant really handle the ware and tare of throwing a real baseball without the shoulder flaring up.  There is also very little running involved. (fuck yeah)  While baseball relies on running the bases, wiffleball uses ghost runners.  So if you have a bad knee or weigh a little more than the average person, fear not.  Singles, doubles, triples and home runs are decided by how far you hit the ball.

Got nothing to do on a mid summer Saturday?  Load of a cooler with sandwiches and Gatorade and head to your nearest Wiffleball tournament.  If you thought you and your friends were the only people in the world that knew how to whip off a sweet wiffle curve ball think again.  Teams from all over the area flock to these tournaments every year and why wouldn't they?  There is no better way to spend a kick ass summer day then with some of your best friends playing a sport you've played since you were kids.   After a few years you get to know some of the other teams and become friends with them as well.  It does not take long for the tournament to become one giant backyard were everyone is joking around telling stories and having fun.  By the time the day is over, you're sunburned, tired, ready for a beer and your sides hurt from laughing.  Fuck the beach, I'd rather be playing wiffleball.

So if you're tired of watching 200 million dollar athletes complain about their back being to stiff to play or your favorite player signing a contract with another team because they were offering him a couple million dollars more just remember, there is a backyard with your best friends waiting for your turn to bat.  If you strike out, who gives a fuck.  No one is paying you anyway.

It also makes for a pretty sweet movie plot.  

 

Dorothy said it best...

After a long journey down the yellow brick road that featured a talking scarecrow that could not walk for shit, a tin man that danced like a sonofabitch, a lion that would tare a hippopotamus from top to bottomus and a wicked witch that would stop at nothing to get her ruby slippers back, we learn from Glinda the "good" witch of the north that all Dorthy had to do in order to return to her beloved Kansas was close her eyes, click her heals three times and repeat the phrase, "there's no place like home."  Next thing she knew she was waking up in her bed surrounded by her friends and family welcoming her back from the land of Oz.  Really?  Miles and miles of yellow brick road, lions tigers and bears, a shit load of flying monkeys ALL while a witch is trying to fucking kill her and her friends?  That's all she had to do to get home?

Put your fucking wand down and explain yourself...

HEY, GET BACK HERE!!!

While it might have seemed like a dick move by someone who's suppose to be good, in the end it was necessary for Dorothy to learn the true value of friends and family and how important it is to never forget who you are and where your from.  If it means having a witch throw huge fucking balls of fire at you then so be it.  It will teach you to not spontaneously run away from home again wont it?  Your poor auntie Em was worried sick.

After being away for close to five months I got a chance to visit my home town of Waterville Maine last weekend.  Unlike Dorothy I left my home town without the aide of a Tornado.  I packed everything I could fit into my 98' green ford ranger and put peddle to the metal towards Chicago.  It took me a while, but I'm finally starting to get things churning out here.  If you've ever made a big move like that it can be easy to forget that starting life over takes time.  You go from an area you know like the back of your hand to an area that you've never seen, heard or experienced before.  Not to mention its an area that's fucking HUGE compared to Waterville Maine.  Its almost like relearning how to walk.  When my plane touched down in Portland everything was exactly how I remembered it.  I could not help by think of those last lines in the Wizard of Oz "There's no place like home."  Seeing my parents and brother Matt (who had made his own trip from New York) for the first time since the end of August was a little bit surreal.  Its a weird feeling when your home state is no longer your home.

During that weekend I fell right back into place with my friends.  It was almost as if I had never left.  We all told the same stories, ate the same food, drank the same beer and had just as much fun as we always have.  Except this time my tiny apartment in Chicago was constantly in the back of my mind.  Even though I was having the time of my life with the best friends and family in the world, I was anxious to get back to my new life of not knowing what the next few days will hold.  It dawned on me that during these past five months, I have without even realizing it come to embrace what I was afraid of when I first got out here.  Everything in Maine was the same, everything back in Chicago was still new, exciting and even a little bit scary.  The rush I had been living for those past 5 months had slowed down to a crawl... as good as it was to be home I was not ready for things to slow down.  

Taking it one day at a time with a new job, new friends and new opportunities is something I will continue to look forward to while I plant my roots out here.  It might suck ass that I'm not three heal clicks away from Waterville, but that won't keep my friends and family away from my heart.  They will always be there along with the thoughts that if the roots don't grow the way I want them to out here, I've got no spaz of a wicked witch keeping me from going back.